A Renewed Friendship

Chimara stands outside Dee'laan's office. This was an odd moment for her and she took that in. Here she was taking the time to go talk to Dee. What's so odd about this. Chimara reminded he self and she moved closer to the door. Something was bothering Dee and she couldn't explain it to even her self she just had this feeling. Perhaps it was the simple fact that Dee was a Jedi Knight, someone how had finished the very thing she was aspiring to do.

"No." She said pushing the though away. 'I’m not here to help me. I'm here to help her…..or something." She said to her self as she straitened up, suddenly realized she was about to enter a General's office without her own uniform, but chose to continue anyways. Hopefully she's so bogged downed in paperwork she didn't notice I took back my rank and responsibilities associated with such.

"Speaking of which dam i have my own stack back in my room." She thought as she entered the office.

Dee’laan is sitting behind her desk, reading a requisition form for a programming update for the 2-1B’s on board the “Hope” to include additional stats for the listed species. While the work is very important and necessary, Dee silently thinks, “Great, more time with no one to talk to” when she hears someone enter her office.

“Chimara, this is a bit of a surprise.” Looking at the chrono, the little being is amazed at what time it really is. Choosing to not yell out at her attaché, Dee pushed the button on the internal comm., “Take a break or better yet, go to your quarters and get some sleep.” To Chimara, “We have been working too long of hours lately. My attaché must have been sleeping to have allowed anyone past without comming me first. So is this due to my request to look in on me from time to time?”

"No your attaché was doing there job. I just was able to sneak past them." Chimara smiled.

The door to Dee's office opened, showing Chimara silhouetted in the hallway light. "Your request to look in on you is part of it. Mostly because i wanna ask you something." She paused, "Well ask you something about someone. A guy I came across on a mission."

Dee pulls her chair around to a corner of the office and motions for Chimara to take a seat near her. “Tea,” Dee asks before sitting down at the small, more intimate corner table. Handing a cup over to Chimara, Dee’laan queries, “So, what guy?”

"Daryn Startrotter" Chimara said. He smiled and seem to glow when she said his name. She took the tea.
"He's perfect. We both came from a similar past. We both strive for the same thing." She paused and saw the look on Dee's face. "Now i know Jedi aren't suppose to form attachments but I can't help it. I really like him, he's my age and i really feel i can connect and relate to him. Something i can't really do with any of the other men here in the rebelian."
She paused, "I don't wanna be alone. You and Taylor are the only ones i've really been confortable opening up to. You understand the force and can see what i see."

A slightly amazed look forms on Dee’laan’s face. “G’nar, wait I mean Daryn. I’m, I’m sorry, I guess I’m just astounded that you two had not met before now.” Staring at Chimara, mouth somewhat agape, Dee thinks, “Why not, they are very similar.”

To Chimara, “Let me explain something. I met Daryn years ago when he was in hiding, going under the name G’nar so sometimes I still call him by that name. He was the first person to take the time to train a little Jawa. The only reason he stopped was because Sillo offered to take me as his padawan.”

“Now more than ever, I do need to propose that we think about following the Corellian tradition. If you don’t know about this Jedi path, briefly, this path allows for attachments; marriage, family, children. But you will need to learn how to deal with having attachments, to deal with the emotions that go along with all of that.”

“I truly believe we force users were never meant to be completely alone. Even in the temples, a padawan had a master and master had a padawan. But there were also how many others there to turn to? Chimara, before the purge, do remember ever being completely alone or lonely?”

"Before the purge i was never alone." Chimara said in a distant voice. "Master Zoe was always near and the Library i worked at with her was always full of people. I still remember the times she would take me to the temple for instruction with the other masters." She paused, remembering better days.

"Being alone and emotions are one of the other reason I came to talk to you. Yes I have attachments, I've lost so many lightsabars in various ways that i have to really stop my self from being attached to them when I actually have one. An i do have control of my emotions, almost too much control. I've walled off my self from the others in the rebellion. I'm so afraid of lousing control of my emotions and falling to the dark side that i don't even let my self explor them." Chimara fell silent.

"I'm so grateful i have you and Taylor. Lyta said that she's distrusting of force user because of how arrogant and full harty the ones of the past were. I almost became one of them till you two stopped me." She looked to Dee with a grateful expression. "I have this feeling that me and Daryn can keep one another in check regarding our emotions. I do want to explore the Corellian Jedi more because of the fact that they did allow attachment, love, and family. I really think stuff like that will really help balance us Jedi in these new and very complicated times. Daryn and I both agree we can't be the strict jedi of old."

“Go slow. Be aware of how the dark side can creep in. Maybe your losing all those lightsabers has been a good education on attachments and loss. Just be wary. Though I should talk, the only love I have ever known is that of a child for their parents and family. The kind you speak of, I have resigned myself to never experiencing.”

“I will try to go slow. Don’t wanna rush this. The last thing we need is more rumors and drama between two force users trying to become Jedi.” Chimara said holding back her happiness with knowledge of what could happen should she not use good judgment.

“If we can form a small group, a kind of clan, hopefully all our force users who need someone to confide in will find a few they are comfortable speaking with.”

“The Corellian Jedi tradition still believes in the Jedi code. Looking from the outside back in at the temple template and after my experience on Tatooine, I can see why students were taken on at a young age. But studying the Corellian Jedi tradition, I also see the flaw, or should I call it a cheat, in the temple template in regards to this practice. If you teach abstinence from attachments, then you never have to teach how to deal with the loss of that to which you had the attachment.”

“That’s the problem; you still do have to teach about dealing with loss of attachments. You can’t avoid loss of attachments, not without hollowing out yourself. “I’ve lost four Lightsabers. Does it bother me? Not really. Did I get bent out of shape on Mon Calamari when I lost my boy friend’s lightsaber? Yes. So I drew in strength from those around me. “Arkansas Dave only had to say it’s only a lightsaber, to snap me back to the mission at hand. In the end got it back as I felt I would in the end.” Chimara was sitting up strait and showing enthusiasm.
But then her enthusiasm faded away as she gave Dee a look of sorrow. “I wouldn’t begin to understand the pain and loss you feel at never again being able to go back to your clan or family. Never truly fitting in with other Jawa. All Jedi regardless of ideas must learn to deal with loss.” She paused and drew closer to Dee.
“You have experienced loss and attachment. You can’t tell me you’ve done nothing for the loss of your family, Sillo, or M’rath? I like to think I’m even an attachment. Will my passing push you over the edge?” Chimara let her worry flow outward. This was one of the things she really wanted to talk to Dee about.
Dee leaned back in her chair and glanced up at the ceiling, inhaling heavily while pondering how to respond. Tilting her head to the side, she looked back at Chimara. “Do what? When Sillo passed, things were so hectic. My time with him was so short, I never had time to become completely attached to him. Plus seeing him in the Force every now and then has helped. I have wanted to destroy the lightsaber he gave me. I feel there is a little bit of him in it and I want to let it pass.” Once again the little being looks off past the ceiling, “Someday I will get to do that the way I wanted to.”
“I never knew M’rath, only what Lyta told me and what little I heard from others. In the aftermath of that, I made a promise to myself to never leave anyone behind; no matter who they are. And I arranged the service cause I felt some of his friends needed it, to properly say farewell. We have lost many who we never had a chance to say our good byes to.” Dee closes her eyes as they start to mist over and once again leans her head onto the back of the chair as she recalls the loss of Talon and T’thokk. Reaching out with extreme control to the Force, Dee once again gains a sense of peace from the knowledge that her dead friends are now a part of that Force, as are her parents and reassuring warmth fills her spirit.
“Yes, I consider you a friend and with that comes a certain level of attachment. But from all I have gone through, I don’t think yours or anyone else’s passing will put me over the edge. It’s the living ones that might.” Dee’laan turns her face away from Chimara and starts to bite one of her small fingernails.
Gazing back, Dee drops her hands into her lap. “This past half year,” shaking her head, “it’s been hard. I keep getting assigned with new recruits and they always seem to be the most blood thirsty ones. And they don’t get me at all because all they see is a Jawa and all the stereotypes that go with that. Even if I am with one or two acquaintances, they are not ones I can be totally open with. I’ve only spoken to Jynxie once since the incident on Leranda when ChiChi gave me up and that comm didn’t go well. I don’t know if she ever wants to speak with me ever again and I…” A pained expression clouds the little Jedi’s face as loneliness starts to once again create a hollow spot in her heart. With some effort, Dee pushes the feeling aside, but at the same time her arm extends across the table to clutch Chimara’s arm.
“Ever since I went to Tatooine to build my lightsaber, I just feel so cut off. When I really needed to talk, to share, no one was around. You took time off from regular duty to think about things, Daryn was off doing whatever, Fen’s schedule and mine didn’t mesh and Taylor has taken up residence on Barab, a place I just can’t go to.”
“Loneliness is what could turn me. It can bring up all the wrong strong emotions. Fen finally stopped by and we were able to talk. As you heard, he has thought I have been spending too much time alone. And just after the reception, I was able to track down Taylor. Months ago she had left a message that she wanted to talk to me but then left for Barab. I had sent a message back with hints in it, but she never responded. I asked her if she had any intention of coming to talk to me and she responded that she thought I liked being alone.” The tiny hand tightened its grip on the young human’s arm even though the hand was shaking. Looking over at the native desert being, tears could be seen welling up in her eyes as Dee’s small frame was the source of the shaking. Dee’laan fought to control herself as she recalled the recent emotional and long overdue conversation with Taylor.
Tears started to come over Chimara as she picked up on Dee's sorrow. Seeing the little one struggle to keep her inner pain under control, Chimara reached out and pulled Dee close into an embrace. Emotions of sorrow and grief began to flow from Chimara as she for the first time as she recalled the loss of her master. The one person that was more than master, but parent, mentor, friend, and sister. A loss that almost turned her.
Dealing with the fact that she was now crying, Chimara managed to say, “We are never alone, there are always people willing to listen to you who care about you.” She wasn’t sure what else to say. What could she say? All she could do was hold the little being tight and be there for her. Something nether of them though they had.
Dee responded to the embrace with a slight hesitation and then responded in kind, reminded of those special moments of her youth with her mother and sisters and realized she missed this type of physical contact. It was this form of reaching out that was missing in her recent encounter with Taylor. Even though Taylor had sat down next to the distraught Jedi, she never reached out to her. Close friends and family always know when a simple hug can help more than words. In the past years, Chimara was only the second being, with Fen being the first, to know that Dee’laan needed to simply to be held.
A quiet little, “Thank you”, came out of the Jedi and she held the embrace for a bit longer. Looking up at Chimara’s face and seeing the tears, Dee reached up to capture one on her thin finger. Holding it out, she questioned Chimara in a soft, caring voice, “What memory breaks your heart? Who do you cry for?”
"My old master," Chimara said as she took a moment to dry her tears with her hands. "She was more than a master, there were times she was like a sister, others a mother. The hunters got her a few years after she brought me to the rebellion, I didn't know how to deal with the sorrow and pain of her death so i pushed them away so as to not allow them to turn me to darkness." She took in a breath. "Me not dealing with it helped push me over once. Its one of the reasons I’ve been so hesitant and closed up regarding connecting to others in the alliance. I am so afraid of falling to the dark side that I’ve tried to hard to avoid connections and the emotions that usually follow."

She paused, "That in it self can do it too. Loneliness and despair can cause it as well." She said quietly.
Taking Chimara’s hand, Dee tugs to motion to her friend, her extended family sister, and fellow Jedi to sit down next to her. In a deeply caring voice Dee spoke, “Maybe it’s time to learn, to start to deal with the sorrows of our lives, both of us. Maybe it starts with just having a good cry every so often. Cause from what I’ve noticed, the grief never fully goes away. We either learn to live with it, to deal with it or we hide it away, hoping it will stay buried. But that option is not a good one; I know that.”
Digging in a pocket, Dee pulls out a data pad and hands it to Chimara. “This is a translation of part of a diary I started after my arrest (go to the wiki site, A Jawa’s Diary, entries 17, 22,23,27 & all parts of 28). I shared this with Taylor but I don’t know what she took from it. I think it will help if you know… Someday you will share as much with me. I’ll get us some more tea.”
Dee gets up to prepare fresh hot tea, giving Chimara some time to read her diary. Coming back, Dee places a cup next to Chimara and goes to her other side to sit right next to her, leaning her head onto the human’s side.
“That’s what happened to you partly because of me.” Chimara muttered after reading entry 17. Confusion and concern came over Chimara as she read entry 22. “What was it that happened to her so long ago as a child. She thought. Pain reflected form Chimara as she finished entry 23. “I never experienced anything like that. The most I had ever dealt with being ambushed by a group of boys who refused to give back a hard copy back. I think I was ten or even twelve. One of them had a crush on me but didn’t know how to express it. They wanted the “Jedi” to take it back. My first real reflection of my pride and anger came from that moment. I did indeed try to take it back from the boy. I spent most of my time beating the three boys, not hitting them hard enough to knock them out but enough to keep knocking them down. The forth ran to get my master. She broke us up.” Chimara paused. This memory had been buried very well. Why it was this entry that made her even remember it she wasn’t sure.
“She didn’t punish me, my self-ridicule was enough.” She fought back a grin. “The parents of those rich brats tried to seek compensation. I broke one of their noses and gave one of them a black eye. It’s not like the Jedi Order was above the law, It’s just the Jedi handle their own.
She looked up at Dee after she took in entry 27. “She told me that too. If there was something in the Jedi order for her, she would fight for it. I guess I’m too prideful and stubborn to be affected by her statements. She even tried to talk me out of being a Jedi. Seeing what it was doing to you in her eyes.”
Chimara paused after reading the last entry. “My master also pushed me away at the age of sixteen. Zoe dropped me off at the Discovery, told them I was eighteen and left. She died months after that. I would have died with her if I was with her. Sillo had a moment when fighting was not an option because I was all too willing to fight alongside him. Stupid pride, or is it my willingness to put myself in danger? ”
Chimara moved her arm around Dee, pulling more of the little being’s body closer to her’s. “I’m not just another Jedi, I’m your friend. Heck you’re like a little sister.” The pun was there. She couldn’t avoid it”
“I’ve grown close to Jynx and Sara. They have no idea what the force looks like but that doesn’t stop them from having a great time with me. True I grew up on Coruscant, the galactic melting pot of the universe, but there is still friendship and happiness to be found in everyone around you. The force doesn’t discriminate, all life is the same. It’s our eyes that lie to us and tell us life if different.
She smiled at Dee and leaned over to take a cup of tea.
Absorbing everything Chimara had to say, Dee finally chimed in. “I want you to know that I shared this,” patting the data pad, “not as a one-upmanship ‘my life has been worse than your life’ kind of thing. Rather I shared so you would have a base-line to understand why I am the way I am. And unlike what Taylor thinks,” Dee shakes her head and saying almost under her breathe, “she can be so imperceptive,” then back to a normal volume, “most of the things I have been going through lately are not due solely from being a Jedi. A good portion comes from the holes in my history, my life crashing back in like a sandstorm to fill all the cracks.”
“I believe that most events that happen to us happen for a reason. And when enough time has past, you can step back to view the bigger picture of your life. Not just the individual events but the path that those events built. Even the most horrible of events can sometimes build towards something good.”
Looking to Chimara and giving her a slight hug, Dee’laan chose her next words carefully and used as comforting a voice as she could. “What happened the day that Master Zoe brought you to the Rebellion? What did you feel? And how did you hear of her death?”
Chimara paused, trying to pull the memory back. “I was excited.” she said as she looked over to Dee’laan. “I wasn’t blind to the direction the galaxy was taking. I saw what they were doing to other Jedi.” She paused and looked down. “and what they had done to Jedi.”
She took in a breath. “I remember being very excited about finally doing something about the empire but at the same time being mindful of my pride and trying not to let it blind me. Zoe also joined the rebellion and was sent on the more dangerous missions. I remember being annoyed that she was no longer with me. She and I had always been together.”
She paused in thought, “I remember feeling like she was abandoning me. That she had more important things to do then pay attention to me. I was angry that she was not taking me on missions with her.”
She looked back to Dee’laan, “But as you said we need to look at the big picture. The rebellion needed her for missions that were too dangerous for me. She also may have not fully trusted members of the rebellion and wanted to avoid labeling me as a Jedi apprentice.” She smiled. “I was young and very head strong, ready to strike out and defend myself. Ironic that as I got older and more powerful I was becoming the very Jedi types people in the alliance despise.”
She squeezed Dee’s hand as she said, “People like you, Taylor, and Fen stopped me and made me look at where I was going.”

“Your master was aware of the training you had been given and the path you were originally set upon and that wasn’t the path of a fighter. It has to have pained her too to leave you, knowing she had not completed your training. But she got you to one of the few groups that you would be safe with, where you could learn the skills needed to survive in a galaxy where Jedi are reviled.”

Dee put her other hand onto the one that Chimara was holding. “I’m glad you are able to look back and reflect on what has come before. Recognizing what elicits extreme reactions can allow one to know what to be mindful of in the future. Force knows we all have our weaknesses; no one is perfect. Recognition and learning how to deal with them without going over…”

Dee pauses, regrouping her thoughts. “I realize most of us have had truncated training. Most think that learning to use the Force is all there is to training to be a Jedi. But there is so much more to it; the moral code of conduct that the light side of the Force requires of us, learning “normal” skills because we can’t always depend on the Force and shouldn’t always use the Force as a crutch and just the normal process of “growing up and maturing”. Right at the age when you needed an adult in your life, she was gone. And the Sullust trader I travelled with may have been twice my age but I was a lot more mature than he was. It’s amazing we’re not more screwed up.” Dee’laan actually lets out a small chuckle at this, something she has not done in a long time, as she recalls some of the Sullust’s more amusing antics.
Chimara smiled at Dee as she chucked regarding Sullust trader. "Yea I was an our of control teenager. Fen's talk he gave me really changed me. I have a tremendous amount of respect for him." She paused for a moment.

"Taylor asked me why Jedi? A logical questions given the endless options the galaxy has to offer a young person. All i can say is, I'm doing it for her, and I'm doing it for everyone. I stand the best chance of making sure the old temple ways are not forgotten. Perhaps i would have been a combat (Minor Jedi) Jedi or Diplomatic Jedi. I really think the force put me where i was so that i could have the best chances of survival during these dark times." She grinned "Force only knows why I'm still alive with some of the choices i make."
Looking at Chimara, Dee’laan replies, “That you can say that, that you are recognizing your flaws, these are good signs, signs of maturing. But don’t let your guard down; the road both of us travel is a long, hard one. Our training, our learning, our trials never end but it all builds upon the foundation of what has come before.”
Finally glancing at her chrono, the small Jedi realizes how late it is. “I should let you go soon. I know how much work you have to catch up on and I have to get things in order before going on the rescue mission.” Dee does not move from Chimara’s side, waiting in case the young woman still has more to say. The conversation has been something that Dee’laan has been missing and doesn’t want to push one of her only friends away.

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