Curious Mind

Log entry,

Xakon said something to me last night. "What do I need." I went to him. I couldn't take it any more. Too many hints, too many looks to many in jokes I am not a part of. I am a fool and the whole rebel alliance is just waiting for me to catch on?

I needed to know what Xakon thought about the ADR thing. I know I am almost disgusted with myself right now. Too weak, too pathetic. I am a pining away over a guy. I should just grow up and get over it….. but I would lose stability. The force is too powerful to handle alone. I find myself risking my life more and more now days. I travel on the edge of death….. almost not caring. Recent mission. We followed a spy. The rest of group ahead of me to track him. I stayed to cover racks. Then I made a new path hoping my friends would get away and the Imperials would follow me. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!???? When did I become some one who wants the Imperials, ALL OF THEM, to follow me instead of capable people?

I am dangerous to myself. I do these things now in the thick of it…. risk my life. Is this the will of the force, the will of the dark side? Intoxication of both meeting? Or the lack of grounding. To know there is some one waiting, something worth living for……

Am I the joke? I have broken. I have to ask the question that burns in my mind. I am going to Xakon. Maybe this human need is weak, but I need to know. I need to uncover any lies and remove the fears that feed my pain. Maybe then I can balance again. I will be reckless otherwise. Which might have someone else paying the price…… can't have that, I won't have it. I have turned for the darkness over and over again — but now it haunts me so much closer. Blast now the jedi code against love makes sense. It is painful to be so rejected, worse to fear that it is true. But I can't live lies, false hopes anymore.

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