Desperatly Seeking Therapist

Dear Diary,

I don't think time off between missions has done me any good of late, and am thinking that perhaps I should look into seeking a therapist next time I am onboard The Discovery. I almost nuked my teamates on the last couple of missions. I'm actually surprised they weren't as mad at me as I thought they would be, and am more surprised that Fenn didn't go off on a tangent. He was actually pretty calm, and I feel I need to make it up to them somehow.

I've never been in so much physical pain before, I only wonder how Taylor felt since she wasn't in armor and I was.

The worst part was the lastest mission, trying to capture an imperial spy who had rebel information. I lost my patience and my temper on that one and could have really gotten the lot of us in a jam. I wonder how they are going to continue trusting me in the future, I feel horrible about it all. Maybe as a show of faith I won't take any explosives with me on the next mission…or at least leave them on the ship. You can't be too careful, after all.

It's strange, as I write this I am sitting in Xakon's gardens, but it seems different here now. It is still peaceful and exceptionally beautiful here…but there is something different I seem to experience here when I am with my host. I don't really know anything about him, and yet I feel so close to him. He reminds me of my own father in so many ways, and yet he is utterly different. I enjoy spending time in his company, and am greatful for everything he has given me dispite recent events.

I am glad to see that he enjoyed the gift I had LX present to him on my last visit here. It looks better than it did on Dantooine where I got if from, but as Xakon had told me it is difficult to care for. Or maybe it's just that I never had a green thumb. Either way, I guess it's a way for me to learn to have a little patience, and it gives me an ample reason to frequent the gardens. It's like this is the one place in the galaxy where no evil can penetrate. It makes me wonder if Squibie has a place like this.

We've had it out recently, but I think we can overcome everything that has happened in the last few days. It pains me greatly, what he did, and I am still confused by it but I know that he had a good reason for it. Besides, he's the only family I have now…I've thought about my own time and again. It's been two years since I last heard from my parents, although who could blame them for not looking for the daughter that disgraced them. I feel haunted by that in a way, and hope it does not come to pass again now that I have found true happiness with ChiChi.

Who would have ever thought that a human and a squib could ever work out a relationship. I had no idea how much he loved me…so in a way I gusess the last couple of days haven't been so bad. At least now I know how it really is between us.

I should send Sara a com, letting her know I'm alright and won't be back for a while. I left before I could really have a chance to talk with her. I think that from now on I will spend less time floating about space with our ships docked together, and more time here trying to cope. I just hope she understands.

After everything that has happened in field…perhaps it is time to start experimenting on new devices to use that aren't so destructive. I still need to see if Xakon has found test subjects for me to begin testing on. I guess there's no way of not causing anyone pain, but I think I would prefer hurting a wamprat rather than someone I really cared for. It's still going to be difficult….wow…listen to me. I have no problem killing in the field…yet I can't bring myself to think about hurting a wamprat. Perhaps I should seek out a therapist a little sooner.

Or who knows…perhaps speaking with Xakon about things once again will be a help. Heaven knows it'll help…I just wonder if it is healthy for me to continue seeking him out and if he thinks I am becoming a bother.

Well, I've been away from Squibie for some time now. I know he wanted to give me some time alone, but I really do need him right now, more so than ever. Maybe one day I'll bring him here to this place…


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