Fear and Loathing in Mos Eisley

We were somewhere around Toshi Station on the edge of the Jundland Wastes when the spice began to take hold.

I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive…."

And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge mynocks, all swooping and screeching and diving around the speeder, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Mos Eisley.

And a voice was screaming: "Holy Maker! What are these gorram animals?"

Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and was pouring beer on his chest scales, to facilitate the tanning process.

"What the hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his eyes closed and covered with wraparound Duros Starglasses.

"Never mind," I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point mentioning those mynocks, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.

My name is Grod Oo'Gan. I am a Rodian smuggler.

I spend my time drunk on Tatooine Sunburn and high on Ryll. There is nothing more desperate and depraved than a Rodian in the depths of a Ryll binge.

I have a Barabel friend. He is my attorney.

He told me, in Barab: "You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. And my first advice is that you should rent a very fast landspeeder with no top. This blows my weekend, because naturally I'll have to go with you—and we'll have to arm ourselves."

I have 8 different pistols on me, but you won't find a single one.

I dress hipper than your Jedi. I have an understanding of the general dichotomy of legal and illegal. Right and Wrong. I am gonzo. I will feign my death.

We had two bags of Muon Gold, seventy-five pellets of Sedative H4b, five sheets of high-powered Neutron Pixies, a salt shaker half-full of Giggle Dust, and a whole galaxy of multicolored Booster Blues, Thruster Heads, ShadowPaw, ScramJet… Also a quart of Tatooine Sunburn, a quart of Breath of Heaven, a case of Grey Gabaki, a pint of raw Yarrock and two dozen SweetBlossoms…

Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious spice collection the tendency is to push it as far as it can go.

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