I am starting to think that no matter how hard I try, I cannot be good.
We might have the best intentions in life, in what we are doing…but are they really? Do we become jaded by being so enclosed in our inner workings that miss out on the repercussions that the 'good' does?
Things have been weighing on my mind. The pressure to share information so that it does not become secret, riding the ebb and flow of knowledge and passion…work has made me jaded.
I told ChiChi, finally, about Project 112 and R.A.G.E. Syndrome. Knowledge I never meant to keep from him…so much I was afraid to say. I was a coward, hands down. Not wanting to ruin a bad moment, fearing that I might wake up one night and kill him. What a crux. And the anger….so much of it. What was there to expect? There were plenty of excuses, but what are those really?
Placing a lightsaber in my hand and telling me I might as well kill off the Squibllings as they slept in their beds was a harsh, HARSH reality check. Pursuing things in the name of science to the extent that I was charging down was no good. My intentions might have started off in kind, but how easily did they mutate? How long before I do, or have I already?
At least in knowing that those intentions were twisted it has backed up a gut feeling I have had since we came across that hidden alcove in the Sith temple. The data I have access to now, the writings on Sith Alchemy which are already translated out can't be used as I was already making plans in my head to employ. Even if they could help in a cure, how long till the nature of it twisted the cure into a disease? The strain has already succumbed to one taint….we have such a precious and small sample of the pure strain….too much to risk in trying.
There's no trust left for me to have in the reflection in the refresher mirror. ChiChi knows as much as I can allow him to know at this point…he carries his burden in stride so I must as well. At least we have one another…not everyone can know, but a few select others should. I have considered the wisdom of ChiChi since we returned to the Discovery. Perhaps I should have a discussion with someone who is level headed, unbiased, and trustworthy….besides, he was there when it happened.
Barab bound it is….
-Jynx
