Jawa Diary Entry 28

I thought going back to Tatooine, going back home would bring me some type of comfort. But I was wrong. Now I question just what I really am other than simply a Jedi. A very lonely Jedi. I have been gone so long that I am as much a stranger to them as they are to me. Even my own blood relatives seem distant and strange. I thought I missed the heat, the sand, the smells but the heat is overbearing, the sand is too coarse and the smells are overpowering. I have been gone so long I even found it difficult to communicate in my native language.

Recently some have questioned my choice of clothing, saying I shouldn’t shirk what I am and dress like a Jawa. But am I truly a Jawa anymore? I may have been born on Tatooine but I have changed so much in the 15 years since I boarded that starship that I am no longer a true Jawa and Tatooine is no longer home. The robes I wear bare little resemblance other then in silhouette to true Jawa robes.

Staring at the parts and crystals sitting before me, I believe this will be the last thing to connect me with my birth planet. There is no life here for me now.

#28.1

My parents are dead, killed along with the entire crew of the clan sandcrawler they were working on. Tusken raiders are believed to have attacked it but … I guess I have seen too much and can think of so many more alternate possibilities. Maybe someday I will look for the truth. The attack was devastating to the clan but life continues.

My siblings didn’t recognize me; it has been 20 years since I was sent away. It looks that my mother’s bloodline is intact and my oldest sisters’ daughters are having children of their own.

I had a long talk with the Shaman. Not surprising, she foresaw the need for me to leave the clan and Tatooine. I shared with her what path the Force had taken me, what powers have manifested and that I was a Jedi Knight. She did seem somewhat amazed by the extent of my talents, but I continue to be astounded by her abilities and the hard choices she must make for the better good of the clan and the Jawa nation.

Frankly I must admit that her decision to send me away was wise even though my younger self did not agree. All things balance out in the end even though we may not see it that way at any given time. Even this trip’s revelations in regards to my place amongst my race and my sense of “Home”, which I find painful as it has left an empty place in my heart, while today I am sad, someday in the future I might understand why this has transpired.

#28.2

I’m having a bad day. I can’t stop crying. The shock of hearing about my parents’ death has finally worn off and has been replaced with a heart wrenching ache prompted by dreams I had last night of childhood memories of my mother and father. Thoughts flood my mind, guilty thoughts that I should have come back sooner, should have tried to see them when missions brought me to Tatooine. It pains me that they died not knowing what became of me.

I tried to meditate but to no avail. If I try to connect to the Force in this state, I doubt I would be able to control it and I know I can’t allow that to happen. Even thinking over the Jedi code is not comforting. While I still firmly believe in all the code stands for, it’s just that I hurt so much. I chose to remove the emotion suppressors as they were close to blowing out. Really in this instance they weren’t helping at all anyways.

I thought if I did a bit of work on my lightsaber it would help me to refocus my mind. But each time a tear hit the work station I was reminded of how much I have changed and how those changes have separated me from race. A true Jawa would never spill this much water. Again the pain of separation rips at my heart, bringing with it a renewed flow of tears accompanied by sobbing vocal cries.

It is no use to try to suppress this, not now. Today I will not work. Best to find a comfortable place and just cry the day away. I know of a place just at the edge of this storage cave that will be a good place to spend the day and view the twin suns set. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

#28.2.5

A thought comes to my mind as colors of the sky change to pale mauves and dusky pinks as the twin suns start to descend toward the horizon, their light fading like the Jedi of the past. The Jedi of the past’s teaching techniques included only accepting Padawans up to a certain age for various reasons, one of which was to avoid the type of emotional turmoil I was suffering through. If the only family you know are the Jedi, then this emotional pain could be avoided for the betterment of the padawan and future Jedi.

The full weight of this insight sinks in, filling some of the emptiness I have been feeling. As the second sun edges to drop from view and the dark canopy of night replaces the twins suns blazing glows, I noticed three jawas watching me as I stood up to return to the warmth and security of the cave. The one leaning on a small staff I recognized is the Shaman and my heart skipped a beat as I became aware of the identity of the two other bathed in a familiar pale blue glow.

I could hear the Shaman sigh and I believe what she said next was meant as much for me as for the restless ghosts of my parents as I know I needed to hear her words also. Turning to the glowing figures, she stated, "Be at peace, as I foretold she is meant to help and guide others." As she turned to leave, the spirits of my parents dissolved back into the Force and I felt the heavy cold emptiness lift from my heart, replaced with the warm comfort of the Force. The tears that had flowed freely all day finally dried and I can now come to terms with my place in the galaxy. I will meditate briefly tonight and ask Master Sillo and Master Aepier to watch over my parents within the Force.

Tomorrow I will resume work on my lightsaber. When it is finished, I will say my goodbyes to my remaining family and the Shaman. I have work to do; I am a Jedi Knight.

A Jawa's Diary

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