Jedi Diary Entry 17

Entry #17: Clearing the Air

As requested, I placed a comm. before heading out. Taking my Manta starfighter, the trip would take 7 days so I chose to go into a hibernation trance for part of the trip. Arrival at Barab 1 went without incident and I was given clearance to land at the BMG. Before my meeting, I was led to a place to clean up and change clothes.

For once I was calm and at peace upon entering the office. I had no fears or worries. My honest answers would have to suffice.

We cleared the air on a number of topics. Once again I apologized for my behavior on that mission and explained why I had come unannounced to Barab that fateful day. He knows that someday I will come back with Sillo’s lightsaber but I will make sure arrangements have been made.
Then there were the comms I made to relay news of my bounties. He thought I made them to get them fixed but I sent them so he would learn about them first hand. I figured it was the least I could do as I was under the impression that I was his employee and knew I owed him for my rescue from Imperial custody. And I never mentioned how I was because I never got him when I commed because I always got the droid; I didn’t think he cared.

On a table next to where I sat was a data pad, the information Sillo had requested as an owed favor, the conclusion of a promise to a dead friend. It had been over a year since it was brought up and I misconstrued the passage of such an amount of time to mean he was not going to honor Sillo’s request to pass this information on to me. But he did pass this info on to me along with a warning that I am assuming he would also have given my Master. He need not fear, this pad will be locked away and I will not go near Byss.

The datapad contained another file, this was information he came across that he thought I would find useful. It is a dissertation on the Jedi code. With the lack of guidance and Masters, this is just the sort of thing that I and many of the others need. I am adding the frequent reading of it as part of my meditation.

Finally the discussion came of his having wanted this, Barab I, to be a home for me, a place of refuge to get away from it all. Once again, I had to decline and I really believe he was disappointed. I didn’t give all of my reasons as I intend to give it one more shot. But I did bring up that I did not want my presence to disturb the others he had made the same offer to. As requested I did give him back the black comlink that he had originally given to me to stay in contact.

Taylor and I are at odds with each other over a number of issues including the continuation of the Jedi order. She believes it to be dead and I think I am a constant reminder that the Jedi order still has a thread bare chance of surviving and this doesn’t fit with her path. We have barely spoken to each other in the past months.

Jynx also has barely spoken to me, not since the misunderstanding. And Chichi just doesn’t like or trust me it seems. I know each of them finds Barab to be a comforting refuge and I will not disrupt that.

I asked for the same room over in the BMG as I had the last time I was here. I have a demon to slay and walking into that room will exorcise it. I intend to stay a few more days as the thought of spending 14 days in a row in the Manta is more than my body can stand. Had I brought the “Trusty Scabbard”, my luxury starship, I would very likely have left immediately. But after reading the dissertation, I know I have to give staying here one more shot, to see if this can be home.

My room is part of the BMG, in one of the areas I am allowed to be. I am still limited as to where I can go. I must ask permission to use facilities on Xakon’s estate and there are areas of the BMG that are off limits as is the main city. Even with all these constraints, I am going to give my best effort to make this succeed.

The first day was difficult. The BMG is a business, not a social outlet. That is when I realized one main problem. I have no friends here. No not friends, companions. So I decided to see if I could make an acquaintance or two. Going to the hangar bay, I chose to go over my ship and look to make adjustments to the somewhat uncomfortable seat. I also paid attention to what the Barabel techs were doing. An opening came where they needed someone small to help them out and I asked if they could help me as I needed someone stronger than myself. At the end of their shift they invited me to go along with them into the city to a club. And I had to decline. I can’t go out into the city.

The same type of situation played out multiple times over the next few days. I found I could get a companion but I could not go where they invited me to. And I started to feel the cold grip of loneliness creep back in along with the crush of claustrophobia. Until the prison door could be opened, Barab 1 could never be home. Tomorrow I will leave even though I am not looking forward to 7 days of sitting so soon after the trip here.

I must comm. Xakon. I hope he is available so I can share this with him. Maybe then he will see this from my point of view. If I were free to move about the city, I could possibly see this as a home. But I understand why I can’t go into the city and I won’t put an entire species at risk just so I can feel free.

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