Jedi Diary Entry 19

The celebration at Uneeq’s has come and gone. And I did it; I pulled out the crystals from the lightsaber Sillo had given me the last time I saw him and destroyed them. The now non-functioning saber hangs beneath his name on the Memorial wall in Uneeq’s. I shared with those who knew of his sacrifice and those who did not.

I finally met Master Ky. He told some of us about those during the time of the Jedi Temples who were not deemed suitable for becoming padawans or knights and how they would still serve the order. They were still allowed to use the force; some to help with crops and weather on agricultural worlds and others would aid medics across the galaxy.

But after coming back from assisting Pistolwhip, I feel hollow that we did not find the cure. While we acquired quite a bit of information, I had gone too far in using the Force to cure him so there was not enough of the “material” left for the doctor’s to work with. Plus I second guess myself if I could have allowed the researchers to experiment on helpless innocent creatures to test the cure. And between the Force showing us what could be the consequence of not finding a “normal” cure and feeling the unseen boring gaze of a once again disappointed Aepier rip through my heart and soul, I am left confused and hurting.

I question whether I will ever be able to live up to Master Aepier’s expectations and just wish I could ask him what he wants of me. The Force has graced some with its gift but I feel that Aepier would have me turn my back on it. And again the confusion as my training under Master Sillo was the opposite which leads me to feel I have disappointed him as well and nothing I do is ever right. I understand about the balance of using “normal” skills and using force skills but I keep getting mixed signals. And nowhere from either source is what I see most of our Force users needing, training in morality.

I question if I will ever be worthy of attaining the level of Jedi Master and should just quit my pursuit. Maybe I should just be satisfied with the occasional training of one or two with a Force power here and there and hope they will give me the time to also teach them about the Jedi Force philosophy of how to live your life.

Add to all this, the persistent feeling I have become aware of that my time on this plane of existence may be coming to an end. With all the close calls, with knowing that something is in the works with Raddich, with the feeling that someone dark was watching my every move a month ago, I just don’t know how much longer I have. And if I die soon without having been able to train another, I will have failed the Jedi order leading it yet again towards extinction.

Once more I feel small, lonely and depressed with a crushing weigh bearing down on my soul. I’m tired. Aepier, please answer my request for guidance and to have a talk. I am just so confused.

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