Jedi Diary Entry 20

Continued Doubts

I am still questioning my decision to follow the Jedi path. I question the cost on so many levels. And my thoughts turn to the other Force paths I have encountered. Those who have hidden themselves away due to being purely non-combatant, peaceful paths but they are no help in these dark times.

Then I remember the Cryshok Brotherhood and Darrik. He fell to the Dark Side but after his redemption (was he really redeemed), they took him anyways. Then the only price he had to pay was to remain in balance; one moment doing good, answering the Light followed by allowing his Dark side to come forth and rule his actions. Could I do that?

What if I had not been taken as padawan by Master Sillo? I have answered to the Dark on two occasions. Could I remain in balance? What would it be like to have the freedom to act on emotions, to have no constrictive code to have to live by? How odd, this sounds like the path Taylor would create if she could. Her constant insisting that we should follow our emotions and embrace the extremes. And her harping that the Jedi are dead (and she doesn’t realize how much she hurts me every time she says that), that we should let go of the thousands of years of traditions and training to create something of our own. Something easier, something cheaper to the soul.

Oh that I had someone more experienced to talk to. Am I really asking that much to become a Master, to be able to train just one Padawan, to continue the way of the Jedi? Why do I keep on this selfless path? There is no benefit to myself, only the Padawan truly benefits. The confusion I feel is becoming an almost unbearable crushing weight on my soul. Outside of so very few who would also follow the almost impossibly difficult Jedi path, I can almost feel the Light being snuffed out by the other Force users around me. Let’s face it, if given a choice, most will always take the easy, cheater route.

I have to get these doubts out of my head. Maybe if I focus on my search into the Expurgium and those 3 that may be part of it, those who so easily took an old man and his pet’s lives, maybe then I can once again see why I follow the Jedi path. Maybe through this quest to find that dark object, I can find what is really expected of me and what will finally appease Aepier to allow me to attain my life’s goal.

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