My Lone Sand Dune

Log Entry

Ok, How to begin. Last few missions have been a helping of of angst pie. I have been to another funeral. M'Rath this time. I wasn't M'rath closet bud in the galaxy, but still he had a good heart and was there when he was needed. Everyone wants him to be super rebel at the moment - but I think that is the pain. Same crap happens to any force user. Yelled at while alive - probably never living up to the expectations and suddenly better than self correcting firing alignment pins when dead.

Still - Perida. M'Rath was happy there - no doubt the force guided to him to that place. M'Rath had a benefit few people ever really get in life. He found his calling. There is no doubt M'Rath was meant to be there - at that time, to inspire those people. He found his life's work and dedicated himself to it. For that I envy he now. His life had a meaning, purpose and M'Rath got that chance to fulfill his purpose. Maybe that is why he could die with so much peace.

But then like so many the Empire can't even let people die any more. No they took that from him too. The peace of dying to see your loved ones free doesn't happen for a force user. No, Mrath was snatched from his final resting place and twisted into a monster. But that is not what I will remember. M'Rath will remain in that place when he spoke the truth - Freedom for all beings.

But wait - there's more.

Chewing off Fred's ear came to bite me in the butt. Fred said he wanted to continue exploring our discussion on the love for the Jedi and how much does the galaxy really need them. But little did I expect to pick up that topic during M'Rath eulogy - in a very one sided form.
Fred has got a real thing for the Jedi. He is a true believer. He painted as M'Rath as one those ideals that a force user should hold against. Great another martyr - thing about martyr's is they have full time employment as dead - not really my line of work.

Fred was baiting me. He threw down and as subtle as possible called me to the plate. I guess he wants me to lead the force users towards something. Still I kick the same things around - but Jedi. Jedi's WERE good, haven't seen a whole lot of them doing anything other than keeping coffins occupied lately - and that seems to be doing so much to help out the rest of us.

Jedi seem to be a lovely fairy tale, but real people need force user who can "get it done." They don't need any one sitting in a nice cushy room wondering if there a actions will be bad in 30 years. Of course, history can always repaint you - but you just have to keep doing the best you can with what you got. If the rebel alliance acted like the Jedi - Mon Mothma would still be analyzing the effects of the forming a factiontionist movement which would like worsen the wraith of the Imperial hand before ever making it better. Not only that but in many ways all the rebels are trained to do is illegal by most standards. So we are wining and creating a new "just" government with thieves.

As the sand around me seems to erode and I am left standing in a spotlight waiting for my next action - I am then SURROUNDED by the happy couples of the rebellion. As if it couldn't get worse, HAPPY Lyta and happy Jynx and ChiChi - taking comfort in each other arms. My ship seems very cold and empty these days - pretty much like where I am standing. A small eroding sand hill in a spotlight.

I wish them the best I do. They deserve it. Just wish there was balance. ADR is gone all the time. I live in limbo - I have a great guy or rather a constant memory of him. It is painful to always live for a chance meetings. It's the forces one offering that I have Barab - about the only thing making this tolerable. I am welcome there - a true home. Even ChiChi has been a little kinder - I think it is starting to show. My emotions are getting the best of me. Maybe I need to throw myself into tech again, or just find the bar. At least in the lab everything is under my control. Go back to bio shield work?

I don't even want to move on from him. ADR is too kind, too much of what I need, just not close enough. But still the way he couldn't say no fast enough - what am I too him? "They" have offered too find out , but he doesn't deserve me prying into his whole life like some Imperial agent. I suppose I could find out, but I can't bring myself to treat him like the job. Good people deserve better than what I can do them , invading their secrets - they deserve to be treated right. But people suggest so many things, and now I wonder.


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