Log Entry

It has been hard. I had to go to Mindor, my grave for all purposes. How many times did Arkansas and I die there?
I nearly took off Chimera's head. I couldn't stand anyone. What is becoming of me. I am not the person I was. I am getting careless.

I have almost botched several missions. When will command realize? I wonder how much longer I can hide it. I have been looking at myself in the mirror….. I don't see my reflection any more. My recent mission for the boss had me working as distraction. It included lessons in walking in heels, short skirts and showing off my "assets." Thing is, I don't mind, just unnerved because I am so willing to abandon all the old portions of my life. I only fix things when actually broken. I have even given some jobs to the droids. I have been mulling over the idea of getting a repair droid, just cause I am tired of being a grease monkey all the time.

I have found myself leading troopers away from people like Lyta (would could easily land me on my backside without breaking a sweat)…. hoping they would find me instead and let her handle the mission. Which makes me wonder who is this person I have become? My clothing has changed, it's tighter….. I don't even feel comfortable in coveralls any more. I want people to see me, I want ADR to see me. I want any one to see I am still here. Not just a General, not just the girl….. non descript rebel that fix the hyperdrive. I wonder if Harold is feeling like a potted plant lately? Seems the higher I go in rank the more I lose myself to the image of what I should be. Jedi, General, Tech …… few people even call me by my name anymore. General Castel, The General, Miss Castel. It's nice to be respected….guess I shouldn't be unhappy about.

Mindor was rough for me. I was ready to walk put onto the plains of the planet…. face it all, I didn't care. I cared enough to not want to hurt any one but myself any more. I don't feel alive, maybe I hoping to find out I still am, some how. Maybe I wonder if any one knows I am…… here, underneath this uniform. I thought if I left the party I would not put any of them at risk…. and I would figure out why I am so dangerous to myself. Mrvyyn wanted to follow me and the next thing I know a flash of blue…. later to learn that Vandin dropped me like a rock. I guess he found the rebels before hand had torn themselves apart. Probably best, wouldn't be good to set me out there to later turn crazed assassin.

Anyway, I head back to base after botching the mission further by becoming discovered by Imperials. I am really wracking up a title lately. So what has made me lose my grip? Will I be ready for taking on YT at this rate? Xakon says I should focus on what I need. But what I need keeps running in the other direction on a regular basis. Can I bury this any more. I am losing the grip on myself. ChiChi noticed, Vandin noticed…. others seem unaware. Guess my attempts are still good. But I think I am becoming a danger. I should go and clear my head. Time for a trip to Barab…. everything always makes more sense their, and Kastor is a good drinking buddy.

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