Reflections Of Painful Choices

Chimara hadn’t left her room in hours after her last mission. Reports were filtering in regarding the outcome and it was grim. The door opened and Chimara slowly exited her room and made her way to Dee’s office. Dee would already know from the mission reports or even the Imperial media as to what had happened. Regardless, Chimara had to tell Dee in person.

She had expected to take the brunt of the guilt but had no idea it would be this hard and painful. It was that pain that made the past couple of hours difficult. The more time that passed, the more she reflected on her choice, the more regretful she had become. She managed to clear her mind and was able to stop herself from saying, “Shouldn’t have done it.”

Walking right past Dee’s assistance and into her office, Chimara found herself looking at a surprised Jawa. It was there that she lost it. Kneeling down, she pulled Dee close into a hug and started crying again.

Dee hugged her friend back and then reached out to sense Chimara’s aura. Something bad must have happened. Thinking of what she had just learned, Dee knew this was the time to start learning how to truly be a Jedi Knight master, how to help a padawan.
Once Dee felt the time was right, she took Chimara’s hand and lead her to the sitting area. Allowing her sister to get comfortable, Dee prepared some tea and stuck her head out of the office door, asking to not be disturbed. This could take a while and that was fine.

Sniffling, Chimara dried her eyes and said, "I've done something horrible, first I fail one of my best friends by not trusting her and now she's in Medical. Then I stand there, unable to stand up to my fellow rebel and watch as he blows up a space station that I knew still had slaves on it. We didn't have enough time to get them all out. I expected to walk away with a bitter end but the pain is tearing me apart."

She held back her tears so as to clear her mind and talk. She took the tea and let the warmth of the cup relax her hands. "Jedi can't get everything we want, nor can we save everyone. Yet the force punishes us when we don't."

Sitting down next to her fellow Jedi, Dee centered and composed herself internally. In her mind she thought, “Do not berate or lecture. She needs your support to be able to work through this. But don’t sugar coat it either.”

To Chimara in a quiet soothing voice, Dee says, “No one gets everything they want. That is a universal axiom. The Force does not punish us, it’s more like pushing, pulling us in one of two directions based on our actions, our thoughts, our feelings.”

“I understand how badly the guilt can hurt but I would think you would be more concerned if it didn’t.” Reaching into a pocket, Dee’laan pulls out a data pad and taking one of Chimara’s hands, places the pad in it. “This might help you. Read it when you have a chance.” Once again, Dee sits back and waits for Chimara to speak.
(On the data pad is the dissertation you were given at Vernecon.)(oh and one question, when do envision this conversation taking place, just after your playing 36 but before 81A or after 81A?)

Chimara looked over the data path carefully reading each line and sipping from the warm tea. “Curious how the code is so different from everyone's point of view, yet it is the same.” She caused and leaned back and continued to study the words.

“Taylor says the Jedi code is a set of restrictions. I view them as guidelines. Guidelines meant to be flexible so as to hold meaning on a more personal level as well as a universal.” She stopped crying now and seemed to be thinking about the past. She remembered her conversation in the monastery kitchen.

“The soup on the stove, the one I wouldn't let go to waste.” She said out loud not particularly directed at anyone but more to herself. She suddenly made a connection, an unusual connection that would surely draw humor but for some reason made perfect sense to her as well as everything you need to do.

“Jedi are soup.” Chimara said abruptly and seemingly without reason. “And the Jedi Code is a guideline that Jedi use to stay soup. And not allow their actions or other ingredients to change the soup into something else.” She looked over to Dee with a confused look. As though hoping the Dee understood the craziness that was going through her head.

“Interesting analogy. You did something, which changed your soup, and now you need to work to regain the balance in your recipe. Atoning is a start but in the long run you need to figure out how to maintain “your soup”.”

Chimara paused for a moment and let her eyes fall back on the data pad. "That's always going to be the hard part. Being strong enough to not allow you self to drift away from soup." She sighed and put the data pad down. "I'm sure you know about what I did from the reports. Normally its my actions that cause the most problems but this time it was my inaction that caused the most damage." She sat there with both hands around the teacup. "Its almost like I'm so afraid of consequences that I'm starting to be afraid of acting. That's not the kind of Jedi I wanna be. I've worked too hard to just sit back and no nothing."

“The path we have both chosen to follow is one of the most difficult or to put it into your parlance, the recipe for a complete Jedi soup can be a very complex, complicated one even though it may be just a simple clear broth. But sometimes the soup gets too mucked up and needs to be restarted. The base stock that is Chimara is good. Maybe it is time to
go back to the basics.”

“You are starting to identify where things went wrong. Use this period of atoning to relearn your recipe, your personal Jedi soup. Sometimes we have to step backwards before we can continue ahead on our path, perhaps choosing a different route. Or keeping with your soup theme, choosing different ingredients or different amounts of ingredients.”

"But starting over can be wasteful." Chimara said after taking a sip. "People's lives have been changed and in some cases ended by our actions. Our soup reflects that. Starting over would be too easy." She paused.

"You’re right though, I need to take a step back and look back at the basics. Look back at the Jedi code. Not when something goes wrong, but more and more. Just to make sure you still have soup.

“Yes, not just went things go wrong but at all times. During good times and bad, it keeps us on an even keel.”

Dee paused for a while to refresh their tea, allowing time for the two of them to just sit, allowing Chimara time to relax. This was something Chimara might not do as she was feeling such deep guilt over her actions but Dee knew from personal experience that sometimes even Jedi needed to take time to refresh their minds and souls. She would need time to step away from the guilt and the flood of emotions before she could move on. The mental scar would always be with Chimara and just like anyone else, force sensitive or not, she will need to find a way to live with it.

When Dee felt the time was right, she finally spoke up. “Some of this you will have to deal with on your own but if you need to talk or even just need a shoulder to cry on, come see me. And don’t feel you need to leave right away. If you have more to say, I have plenty of time to listen. In fact, are you hungry?”

"Am I hungry?" Chimara thought only briefly before her stomach screamed at her for being too emotional and not paying attention to the fact that she hadn't eaten a full meal since the horrible moment from the mission.

Looking to the Jawa with a face that shouted more than her words. "Yes please." The then laughed. "You need to tell me where you get this tea."

She was starting to feel better. The guilt form her actions were still there but her mind was clearer now. She knew what she needed to do. She had always known what to do.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License