The New Me

Log Entry

I am on my ship. So much has happened. I have made several realizations. I have become a danger to myself. Things I could not tell my friends, things I only began to understand about myself. I have been placing myself in danger. Drawing the fire in combats, going off by myself. I didn't know why, in most cases I didn't care.

But I see things differently now. It is time for me to stop hoping ADR wants me to be a part of his life. Harold has been saying it for years, but it never seemed to sink in, now …… I see it. Being with ADR, while he is great, he is never around. I have been left with only memories of a great boyfriend, but a piece missing, and nothing left but pain…. lots of pain.

Pain I tired to cover in reckless behavior. I need to move on. I must face a future, find some one who wants to stand next me. ADR keeps making choices that take him further away, he keeps moving away from me. I tried so hard to be everything he wanted, limited parts of me I thought might scare him, but I can;t keep beating myself up to be what I am not. I can't be that anymore.

I bury this pain anymore, it is cutting me up, causing me to lose control. Mindor was the low point, I was ready to walk out and face whatever. I have been waiting to die doing my duty, thinking that maybe it was easier to face death than to keep burying, keep holding the disappointment of nothing, no one next to me. No one to whisper in my ear and tell me I am loved, I am cherished, I am some one to them…..

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